One Day I'll Be

Can I treat you right
I can't be what I want to be
For you, for the world,
The guy that you deserve
but
I'm here

I can be who you want
I can be who you need
I can be the person you deserve

The Situation to be in
To see in
To see inside
The side of a situation
This side of a side by side

version of the truths
cause half of them are lies
or is their only one?

manipulated
emasculated
mauled and mamed

Stuck in this sea of the same
people pretending to be who they're not

---

I feel
feel love
living a certain way
life before you and life now
just ain't the same
changed
but
still the same

shame
fame
came
gone
lame
same

Damaged
an image
innocence overcome by truth
innocence
is it ignorance is bliss

stay still in these fits
fighting for
love
fighting for faith
fighting
to be resilient

relax, rest

You can't outsmart this
You can't hide from something
You can't hide from your life, your love
You become overcome by something greater than yourself
Overcome by becoming
a better man

Time of my life
Making my life
seeing it form
firm up
up to form

Swarm
Swan
Swarm
Bees
busy little bees
ants marching
changing directions
movements

spinning like a compass
on the north pole
living a life
recreating your role
fitting a role

creating something
but nobody knows what they're doing
why they're doing
just why
who
what where why when how
how could we be in this current situation
current scenario
is there a better place to go
what what's the scenario

inside
outside
ephemeral
everlasting
fantastic
maleable like plastic
plasticity
electricity

cities form
bigger and bigger
networks combine
Houses into blocks,
blocks into streets,
streets into neighborhoods,
neighborhoods into cities and suburbs,

it's absurd cause it's the house
made of bricks, doors, and roofs
of concrete, poercelan, water, bricks, steel and sand
manufactured in a way that you don't even realize
can we even comprehend
all these patterns forming patterns
one blending into the next
one life

one
role in a play
plastered into a cast
a group
a culture
an environment

a life
one life to lead
one life to live

going where the story takes you
seeing life unfold
in art and reality
music to the mind
meaning to the brain

beautiful sets
beautiful production
execution executing and shooting all these ideas out of me
so I can see
seeing you
seeing me

One thing or the next
all or nothing
anything is something
creating relationships
finding meaningful relationships

having fun and having meaning
having a reason
to believe in
cause everything happens for a reason right?
hmmm i don't know about that one
I doubt it
while all these people are shouting it
cause it doesn't mean anything
because meaning comes on after
so its like your racing in some race
but only when you look back
you were chasing something
that you're not even after.

Laughter ha ha
it's funny
how simple such complex things can be
because we see them in a way
but its not the way it really is
it's just a model of reality
of us being in this world
all these notions and emotions clouding our judgement

fudge it, cause most of them didnt know what the fuck they were doing
measuring shit just to observe not to correlate, destory or create
always looking for cause
causation, when sometimes their ain't
markers, targets, surveys, confounding

independent
dependent
alternating like a wave

vibration
one movement to the next
impulse
just a brief force for a short time
bump bump
pulsating
relaying all relevant realizations
cause I feel these sensations
that you can't even describe

cause when your going for something a vibe is a vibe
can't hide from a vibe
can't hide from your life

like living in a blimp
floating over everything and
never coming down to earth
understanding
living not planning

though this span
life span
development
embryo
oh no
yes yes
no no
show

old dog
no tricks
new tricks
its tricky yah yah
its tricky
getting stuck in all these sticky situations

holy shit
show
shit show
free for all

Free for you
Free for me
but connected in ways that you can't even see
energy, chemicals and electricity
its tricky

figuring out what i want and what i need
all i need is safety and food to feed on
then is everything else what i want?

who knows
maybe you can tell me one day
and when you dream
We can dream together

One Day

If I Ever

If I Ever
Slip
Should I fall?

If I ever
mess up
mix up
fall down
get up

If I Ever
lose this
lost that

I regenerate
make more
generate
gradually
generally

General, Colonel, Ally
Friend

If I ever slip
I'll fall
Fall back again
I'll get up
Get tall
Getting taller

while you're chipping away pieces
off of my chopping block
you can do whatever you want
to build yourself up
but even if you bring people down
you're still at the same level
disheveled trying to shovel away
all the bull shit
you create
you generate
degenerate
regenerate

reenergizing
reengerize me
challenge me
test me

if i ever wilt away
I'll charge back
charge up
explode
energy ball

charging down
charging towards a goal
horses with our blinders
blinds
blinded

blinded by
blinded by love
blinded by hate
blinded by ignorance and arrogance
like a fragrance you can't get out
febreeze
down on your knees
trying to take me there
praying
hoping
that this can't be all
there's gotta be more

if I ever think that
I'll do this
I can do this
if I ever think

if I even start to think
my mind
takes me
to all these different places
airplanes, trains, automobiles
moving so fast,
a mile a minute
and I'm in it
watching the world go round
without taking a step

mobile
moving through space time
drawing up these lines
delineating
dimensions to measure up
lines to stay in
or break out

prison
these barriers
mental bars
resisting
arresting
resisting relaxation
testing

tumbling and turning
to today
to tomorrow
and yesterday yesterday
we always say stupid shit
wishing it could of come out the way you saw it in a dream
it should of

prophecy
wishing for something that might not come
wishing for someone that doesn't exist
wishing for the idea of you
of a you
of a me
hard to believe

don't even need to visualize
I see it
just a dream
a fantasy
all the spaces between

predicting
wishing

remembering
that if I ever slip
I fall
I get up
I got up
I break out
I'll break free

If I ever
I will

If I ever
I am

I Forget

Everyday 

more and more

And I’m not sure if I like the feeling

I fear that the idea will disappear 

What idea? This idea

The beauty that brightened my world.

The beautiful that brightens my world.

A smile, a voice, a body, a soul,

a thought, your thoughts

your eyes, some help

I wonder

I think

I know

That we will all change

But how

  

Because I know will I have been changed for good?

Wicked, is this wrong?

And I don’t want to forget

I don’t want to forget my past

I don’t want to forget my youth

And memories fade

But people are around us

People are always around us 

to remind us

So those moments can live on 

in our minds

in our dreams

So lost ones can live on

In our minds 

In our dreams 

In our thoughts

In our speech

In us

Clock beats constant but always feels too fast

This moment is now but it will not last

Every second becomes our past

Do we want to live life like it’s a task

Is that a question we can ask?

Can we deny our intuition

and just go with a fact

the fact that we don't know

we don't know

we don't know

we don't know why

we do the things we do

but we do them

some mixed up menage a trois

of me, my emotions and logic

can't design it like a project

as I project all these feelings and ideas

one big whirlwind, 

werling, wild, spinning

while I stay stationary

keep going at it

but staying static

electricity running through me

but we don't even feel it

distracted

more and more

by all these unneccessary 

necessities needed by nobody 

piling up

everyday

more and more

make the most of this feeling 

Chapter Draft - (2011)

Chapter (Draft - Dec 31st, 2011)

A Town That No Mirrors

There are no visual reflections in this town. The town people have never clearly seen their own face. There are no cameras, no pictures lying around or photos on the wall. The women don’t use make up because there is no make up in this town. Other than that it’s a pretty normal town. The townspeople work everyday and are hard workers. The younger you are the more time you have for play, but people of all ages can be seen smiling and laughing at least once a day.

Most townspeople have a great love for food. There is a farming district and markets for all to purchase the food. The market is run by the merchants. Every farm has their own merchant who is usually the most talkative male in the family. Although it is not taboo for a woman to work in the market, it has been a mostly male dominant job and few females are the main merchant for their family.

Most merchants have a booming, overwhelming voice. The best can attract the attention of the whole market as they call out their newest product. Some of their calls can be heard from miles away. “McIntosh Apples! The first batch of the season. You have to see it to believe it.” When the first shipment of a seasonal food or new product comes in and is announced, all heads turn toward that stand and quickly lines form to purchase or barter for the new good.

Most of the townsmen know each other, although there is some friendly competition, the farmers have created a system to sustain themselves so the profits from their sales are all surplus. They have the shelter, food and safety they need to live comfortably and then their extra food is sold to the rest of the town. Although there has been competition among the farmers in the past, after the new sustainability pact was established, it has only been friendly. Competition definitely keeps things moving.

On the opposite side of town is the education district. Students begin school at the age of 5. The town has a 99% literacy rate and surprisingly many students come into school with the ability to read. Most parents teach their children how to read before they enter school. Well actually most parents read and sing to their children and the child slowly but surely picks up the language. Some children come in without an ability to read and start off behind the other students. Although these students may get off to a slow start, this school has a knack for teaching their students how to read and improve their reading skills.

The first school children enter is Exploration school. Children are grouped with other children their age and are able to interact with one another. Half the day is spent outside during the warmer months. Games teaching cooperation and problem solving are taught to the students. As the years go on, if the children choose to, they may spend less of their day with outdoor activities and more with indoor activities. Some of the most popular indoor classes through the years have been music, science and woodshop.

Out on a soccer field, on the first day of spring, trees surrounded the field leaving small patches of shade on the outer edges. The field was big enough to fit two soccer field. Well one soccer field shared it’s 18 yard box with 2nd base and a bit of center field of a baseball field, but they don’t play over there unless they have to. The seasonally brighter sun shined down upon the green blades of grass struggling to get sunlight, as these big black shoes squashed them down to the dirt. Fourty-four black shoes to be exact, the first “official 11 v. 11” scrimmage was always the first day of spring.

--

"Can you see?" The boy yelled to his friend down the cliff.

The two boys should not have been where they were and Marty should not have been down the cliff. Nobody has been down there for years. All the townspeople believe that nobody would ever go down there. This was the only place you could see a reflection of yourself other than if they visited the painter, but nobody visited the painter when they were a child. A small pond formed at the bottom of the cliff from the rain storm the night before. The pond is only noticeable the morning after a larger than average storm.

Marty and Alex thought of this plan a week before the storm was announced. Although, the boys may not have realized it they were trying to find their place in life. They established themselves in exploration school and intermediate school, but they just began Pre-Real school and they were lost. Marty had read a Tall Tale, an old wives tales told in this town about a boy who looks into the pond and his life changed. After he realized that by looking into still water he would be able to see himself, he was determined to reach the storm pond. Marty just wanted to know who he was.

"Can you see?" Alex yelled again.

Marty had finally reached the pond. He had been waiting eagerly the entire week, his entire life, to be in the place that he was standing, but now that he was there, the reality of the situation was hard to grasp. With one step and a drop of the head, Marty would see himself for the first time. Perhaps, he was scared to see the image of a boy looking at him. He would have no previous image to compare it to. He wouldn't know how much he changed because he's never seen himself before. He had some idea of what he looked like by looking at his friends and family, but he could not be sure of what face would stare back at him.

Marty lives in a town with no mirrors. The town people have never clearly seen their own face. There are no cameras, no photos lying around, and no mirrors in their homes or bathrooms. The women don’t use make up because there is no make up in this town.

Marty yells to Alex, "I'm scared."

Alex laughs and says, "All you have to do is look down."

Gotta Just Not Think and Live 2 (older work, recently revised)

I gotta just not think and live

is the unexamined life worth living?

spilling

spewing

it all out

no don’t do it

you might get called out

stalled up

staying still while we move

at a speed of

a mile a minute

no limit

limitless

unless...

hesitate

do it

so you can say that you did it

see it

so you can say that you seen it

tomorrow is just an excuse for today

we listen but do we really hear

what they say

but some people say it

so they can say that they said it

playing the part

just playing the heart

playing the role

that they think they’re supposed to

pose

frozen

in a den

not like a lion

whos got the biggest mame

whos got the biggest name

be the man in a sea of the same

where the main thang is personal gain
can we see the shared pain

it’s insane

speeding through life

faster than the fast lane
like a rabbit on the inside track
is it peripherals we lack

immediate

i need it

right now

instant pleasure

where do i measure

measuring up to a standard

well mannered

using up what we gathered

racing

but just moving backward

 

it’s evolution baby

but our values shape the future

and we’ll just grow like a tumor

a cancer of thoughts

ideas that spread like a virus

believe but they lie to us

cause they don’t even know

how can you know what your doing

 

programmed to a plan

with some wiggle room

everybody squirms

no matter how firm

they fear

they fear an idea

refuse the ideal

cause we have to accept reality

we can change the world

or is that a fallacy

developing a strategy

playing this game of life

do work do work

we need girls and money

so you gotta be funny

confident and punny

ambitious maybe even a little vicious

who wished this upon us

once upon a time

in fantasy land

i need this

and and and

=

and anything

it don’t matter

cause once you get it

your flattered

but soon it won’t matter

cause you just want more

we just want more

i just want more

take it and store

expand my mind

rhyme

line after line

sign after sign

taking it all in

got to take it in with a grin

cause if you sin you sin

it’s done

have fun

cause you gotta

just not think and live

but can we

can i not think and live?

Comfortably Numb (Recently Revised)

Whats love

can you teach it

can you learn in

can you touch it 

can you earn it

when do you decide

to confide

say that you tried

mostly true no lies

lied to by the superstitions, 

issues of magazines, media madness

its sadness

destruction of a widely expanding ego

ergo what is this

where am i

who is this

"Hi, no he’s not here right now."

Can i call you back later

Time is so valuable

my body is so able

my brain is so malleable

changing

plastic

manufactured

product of society

can i trust in me

confidence

to dance

to go to the dance

if you don’t

you can’t take home 

the prom queen

see it 

so you say 

that 

you’ve seen it

absorb it 

so you can say that it’s a part of you

like a sponge soaking up reality

can i be all that i want to be

can i be who i need to be

what drives you 

what drives you

deep down inside

whats your fix

what do you need to survive

this life

love and strife

can’t hate unless you love

cause if you hate it 

then that means it has to mean something to you

cause if it didn’t why the fuck would you hate

something if it means nothing to you?

what does it matter to you?

putting someone above me

hug me

love me

squeeze me

tug me

fuzzy

blurry

blur of life

how quick 

how fast did this week go

you know

this show is going quick

this season is going faster

series is almost over now

playing in a play

that i was never after

laughter love 

family friends

pain is really just complication

all the factors interact

it’s like multiplication

this rift between

expectations and reality

this long division leads to

unasked questions 

leaks

confusion

unanswered

at a certain point you don’t know what your doing

but noone does

cause if they they actually know

then they would know

that they could not know

they do not know 

should i

shoulda 

coulda

woulda

why do we say it?

comfortably numb

staring at boxes

sitting in a chair

cramped inside

with ventilated air

shelter 

when is it extravagant

all the ideas

that we implant

values

need a transplant

but its crazy cause you can't

cause you know right wrong

but the world enchants you

explore and stimulate

can you defy fate?

manipulate the game

starting off

but you see check mate

everything happens for a reason

come on 

there's murder and treason

no reason 

no real rationality

for the fatality of your fantasy

final test that has no meaning

you just do it cause you can

you do it cause you got to

gotta give value to the world

gotta give value to yourself

your life

with the pain plus the strife

maybe some kids plus the wife 

cause every knife is double edged

damned if you do damned if you don’t

unless you can find that harmonious conflict

of logic and emotion

grab fire but not get burned

spending, speeding to find it

its a trek this journey

no E. T. A.

no final destination

Hello and welcome to

define define

explaining an explanation of this exploration

Here now

Gone tomorrow

Good bye